One Year Older

I'm 22 today. 


I don't feel any different from yesterday, from last week, from last month.


On an unrelated note...LOOK, CORGIS!!!

...want.

We can Save PBS!!!

Recently some pretty infuriating budget cuts have been proposed by the United States Government. Some of these include a bar on Planned Parenthood federal funding, as well as the elimination of funding for public broadcasting systems (PBS). 

Please take a stand! Do some research, and sign petitions to make your feelings known to your congressmen and representatives! The links to each site are below.

Planned Parenthood

PBS

Word Vomit

So I just came to a few realizations today, as I was scanning my hands and elbows for an art homework assignment at the library. 

There's something you need to understand before I continue...in times of stress, I get very emotional. My emotions go crazy. Also, every emotion I express seems to have some kind of neurological connection to my tear ducts. So, I cry when I am mad, sad, frustrated, and so forth. It's frustrating, which only makes me cry more, when I reach that breaking point. I don't reach breaking points very often, just every few months (though they have been increasing in frequency since this school year began).

Lately I've been realizing that I have little to no control over my life. A lot of things have been springing up and causing me to stress out. Today someone asked me how I was doing, and I said, "hanging in there." Then, minutes later, I realized how depressing that is. 

Hanging in there...onto your own life? This thing that is yours, and that you control for the most part, can be altered so much by unforeseen factors that you end up "hanging on" to your own existence as you know it? Does anyone else find this horribly depressing?

Only one person in my major has consistently asked me how I have been doing recently, because she knows I haven't been doing well. I can never bring myself to tell her that there are things in my life that I just hate right now, and that I wish I could just end those parts...but that's impossible. It still is really touching that she keeps asking...and I guess it shows how transparent I am. Remember that thing above, where I said that my emotions go crazy? It turns out that I am also very bad at hiding these emotions. And, most unfortunate of all, I tend to displace my negativity upon others whom I care about...

Which brings me to my first apology of the day. 

There's something else you should know about me. For some reason, perhaps having to do with my upbringing (though there is no one incriminating incident, I only say this because so many aspects of our personalities have origins in childhood), I have a compulsive need to apologize constantly. It doesn't matter if I'm actually at fault for what happened, or if what happened could have been controlled at all. Generally, I mean it when I apologize, but I think most of my apologies stem from my deep desire to avoid displeasing others more than my actual feelings about the event. 

So, taking that into consideration, I really do want to apologize for a few things. 

Firstly, I'm sorry that I tend to take out my frustration, anger, and feelings of helplessness on the people that care about me the most. It's not fair to them, and as much as I think it's going to make me feel better at the time, it never does.

I'm sorry that I lie when you ask me how I am doing, and I tell you I'm fine. 

I'm sorry I don't remember things better. I swear my brain doesn't work...I have word retrieval problems constantly, and can't remember some of the most inane things sometimes. I find myself seeking forgiveness from others and myself for this every day. I think I'm borken.

Okay...I think that's enough sadness for now. I think I'll play some Banjo-Kazooie!!

Nuzlocke Challenge Standings

I know I seem to be posting a lot about Pokemon recently. And I'm fully aware that 95% of the people reading this are going to judge me instantaneously. The game really is more enjoyable and meaningful to adults who play (I am not going to defend why I love Pokemon...I am NOT going to defend why I love Pokemon...I do not need to defend why I love Pokemon...maybe the more I tell myself these things, the greater the chance they will be true), as it requires strategy , foresight and planning on the part of the player. 


Recently, I have decided to make the game unnecessarily difficult, and have restarted my Platinum game. I am adopting the two main rules of the Nuzlocke Challenge. In case you are lazy like me and don't feel like following that link to the Bulbapedia page (Bulbapedia is the Pokemon everything website and it is amazing), here are the three main rules...

• Any Pokémon that faints is considered dead, and must be released. 
• The player may only catch the first Pokémon encountered in each area, and none else. If the first Pokémon encountered faints or flees, there are no second chances.
• Also it is customary to give all of your Pokemon nicknames, to enhance your bond with them.

Basically, these rules take what is normally a fairly easy game (until the elite four), and turn it into a horrible massacre of death and frustration. It gives the entire game a different mood. If making a Pokemon kills that Pokemon, then think of all of the wild Starlies (plural?), Budews and Bidoofs (okay, nevermind about the Bidoofs. They are only useful as TM whores, so maybe there should be fewer of them.) that you are mindlessly slaughtering! Furthermore, think of all of the other innocent trainers whose quests to be the very best you are halting forever by killing all of their cherished Pokemon!


Okay, ranting aside, this game is hard. My philosophy of how to beat the game is, at this point, to grind incessantly until my Pokemon are super over-leveled for each gym, and hope for the best. I'm going to use this blog as a kind of memoir of the times I spend working my way through the challenge, documenting the Pokemon I catch and the Pokemon I inevitably part with. The Pokemon that die will be represented like this, as they have been released and are no longer within my party or in my boxes.

1. Route 201 (Starter Pokemon): Chimchar, named "Harry," Fire elemental type. His ability is Flash Fire, which gives a boost to fire-type moves. Since I obtained him, he has evolved into a Monferno, who has a Fire and Fighting dual elemental type.
2. Route 202: Shinx, named "Hermione," Electric elemental type. Her ability is Rivalry, meaning that her attack is boosted if her enemy is the same gender, and her attack is diminished if her enemy is the opposite gender. Since her capture, she has evolved into a Luxio, of the same elemental type.
3. Verity Lakefront: Bidoof #1, named "RitaSkeetr," Normal elemental type. Her ability is Simple, which means that any stat change she undergoes is doubled, and she both inflicts and takes quadruple damage when she makes a critical hit. Since her capture, she has evolved into a Bibarel, who has a Normal and Water dual elemental type.
4. Route 203: (I don't remember the place at which the next Pokemon was caught, as he perished before I started this blog. This placement may or may not be correct, but it fits, so there you go. It won't happen again!) Bidoof #2, named "QikQotsQil," Normal elemental type. His ability is Unaware, which ignores any stat changes in the rival, excluding speed. QikQotsQil perished as we were grinding for levels before the Oreburgh gym.
5. Route 204: Starly, named "Ron," Normal and Flying dual elemental type. His ability is Keen Eye, which prevents his accuracy stat from being lessened. Since I caught him, he has evolved into a Staravia, of the same elemental type. His ability changed to Intimidate, which cuts the attack stat of his opponent.
6. Oreburgh Gate: Zubat, named "Filch," Poison and Flying dual elemental type. His ability is Inner Focus, which prevents him from flinching.  Since his capture, Filch has evolved into a Golbat, and at level 23 he evolved into a Crobat!
7. Oreburgh Mine: Geodude, named "Fred," Rock and Ground dual elemental type. His ability is Rock Head, which prevents him from taking recoil damage from moves like Double-Edge. 
8. Route 207: Machop, named "Seamus," who is a Fighting elemental type. His ability is Guts, which raises his attack stat by 50% when he is inflicted with the status ailments Burn, Paralysis or Poison. 
9. Ravaged Path: Psyduck, named "Crabbe," who is a Water elemental type. His ability is Cloud Nine, which eliminates the effects of weather. Since his capture, I have renamed him "Neville."
10. Route 205: Buizel, named "Ginny," who is a Water elemental type. Her ability is Swift Swim, which boosts her speed in rain.
11. Eterna Forest: Budew, named "Luna," who is a Grass and Poison dual elemental type. Her ability is Poison Point, which may cause foes to be poisoned if they come in physical contact with her. 
12. Old Chateau: Ghastly, named "BloodyBarn" (there weren't enough spaces for me to write Baron...sadness...so please refrain from calling him a wounded storage unit for livestock!), who is a Poison and Ghost dual elemental type. ALSO HE HAS A MODEST NATURE!!! I'M SO EXCITED--THAT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE NATURE FOR A GENGAR :) Anyway, his ability is Levitate, meaning he's immune to all Ground-type moves.
13. ...Old Chateau...Event Pokemon: Rotom, named "NrlyHdlsNk", an Electric and Ghost dual elemental type. Its ability is also Levitate, giving it immunity to all ground type moves. Also he's technically genderless. (P.S. I know I really shouldn't have caught two in this area, but I'd never seen a Rotom and came across it without knowing it was present. You can only catch him on Monday nights, so you can imagine my surprise when I came across a Pokemon that I'd never seen before...so I slipped up and caught it. I won't do it again, I promise!

And here are the teams that got me through my battles...

• Oreburgh Gym, Roark and the Coal Badge: Harry, Ron, Hermione, RitaSkeetr, Seamus and Fred.
• Eterna Gym, Gardenia and the Forest Badge: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Filch. 

...To be continued! 






P.S.
I've stopped doing this challenge. I'm saving all of my good Pokemon and starting over, because the game just wasn't very fun anymore. Sad day!  But I commend anyone who has actually completed this challenge. Even in the short time that I participated, I realized how insane the challenge is, and if anyone has beaten the game while following the rules of the Nuzlocke...well...congrats. You are better than me!

Valentine's Day

So it's not exactly Valentine's Day, but this is the weekend in which I am celebrating it. I'm down in Columbus with my boyfriend, Andy, and we are having a great time. It's always great when we have time to get together, which ends up being around every 2 weeks or so. Right now, not so often, because both of us are super busy with school, but hopefully after March we will resume that schedule again. Anyway, I have been sitting here wondering what to do, as the boyfriend seems engrossed with Peggle at the moment, and then I got to thinking, "why don't I make a post about my boyfriend?" I know what you're thinking...you expect some rant about why he's the best boyfriend in the world and totally better than everyone else's. That's not what I want this to be...I want this post to celebrate all of the amazing times we've had together, and what he has been able to show and teach me throughout our 3 year relationship. So...here goes!

I know it's crazy, but I'm talking about the red one.

• Without Andy, it is highly unlikely that I would have come to enjoy half of the music in my collection today. He is my music filter...he loves searching for new bands and finding diamonds in the rough, and then he passes them right along to me. It's great to hear new and interesting varieties of music, and get a glimpse into his passion.
• Andy and I have maintained a long-distance relationship for the better part of 3 years now (not fully 3 years, though, as I come home in the summer. We live in the same area.), and it has taught me a lot about what you can logically expect from your significant other, as well as what you should appreciate. I try my best to love every minute I am with him (and usually that's easy), as I know they are few and far between, which is something that I don't think a lot of people who are in close quarters really understand after a while.
• If I had not dated Andy, I would never have had the chance to play through Portal without someone looming over my shoulder and telling me exactly what to do. He knows when he should be silent, which is great :)
• More and more each day I realize that his personality is very different from mine. He is very calm, while I tend to freak out and obsess over detail. I love that Andy is so calm, and can talk me down from any crazed and delusional emotional disturbance I may have. I don't even know how many times I have called him, crying my eyes out in stress and frustration, and he has consistently been able to both listen to my absurdities and bring the real me back again. His personality balances mine.
• Along the same lines, Andy has taught me that there are things in life that you cannot control. I tend to worry about things of which I am uncertain, like this whole graduate school thing, but he has also taught me that you can't worry about these things you cannot control, because it will just kill you in the end. It's not worth it.
• Had it not been for Andy's persistence, I would not have attended Lollapalooza in 2008 and again in 2010. Those were some of the most fun experiences we have had together.
• This sounds corny, but Andy has also taught me that every relationship has its ups and downs. We have had our rough spots, everyone does, but our downs are totally worth it when I think about the ups.
• Through the past three years, I have also come to learn (not through Andy, but because I am with him) that you have to constantly evaluate your relationships. If the best times in that relationship are not worth the time spent at odds with the friend, then it's best for you to let them go. It will save you time, effort, and sanity. Don't keep the friends you can't stand, or who don't bring anything to the table. It's not worth it. I have come out of this situation multiple times in the past few years, and Andy has been there to support me each time.
• I am fairly good at a lot of things, but I don't believe myself to be a master of any one trade. However, my previous experience of general success tends to cause me to be frustrated in instances when I try something new, or something that I am not practiced in, and do poorly. My boyfriend helps me to see that such frustration is stupid, and that you can't possibly the best at (or even good at, at that matter) everything. Though this is going to take some time and effort for me to accept, I see now that it is 100% true.
• Andy also opens my mind to questions about the world and how everything works. For example, had I not been with him, I probably wouldn't have come to the realization that I have no clue how record players actually make music, or I wouldn't have for a few years at least.

And now for some memories of us together and general thoughts...

• Our first date was seeing Superbad together at a dollar movie. It was an experience, that's for sure! Might not recommend that for a first date movie...
• I love his sausage fingers. They are bulbous and squishy and fun to hold. 
• I remember when I first met Andy, all he really did was quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I don't know what I saw in it, but something seemed to work!
• I love his taste in movies (and music too, for the most part).
• Andy's family has always been great, going out of their way to invite me to family functions and include me in whatever they do. It's like my family just doubled in size :)
• When we saw Toy Story 3 together, we both cried.
• I love his unkempt hair.
• Andy is super ticklish. It's fun...but he hates when I tickle him. He has destroyed many things by kicking violently in attempts to make me stop.
• I love his passion for music.
• Andy is always willing to try new things, which I love. He also tries to see the positive side of everything, which is refreshing and amazing.
• It always amuses me how after you're with someone long enough, you really don't act like a normal person around them anymore. You can be the idiot you really are, because they don't care and love you anyway. You can quote Marcel the Shell until the cows come home. You can scream "I'M IN THE BARN, MILLLLLK MEEEEE!!!!!" every time you are in the barn in Euchre. You can be clumsy and speak oddly and use terms of endearment until you run out of them, without the fear of your significant other punching you in the face. It's great.

That's all I've got for now, and I'm hungry, so I think I'm about done. 

So, I'm sorry if I've just caused you to seize out of mass exposure to needlessly cheesy information.  I hope this makes you feel better.

To all of those with a significant other, have a happy Valentine's Day! To everyone else, have a happy ramen shut-in day!

...and This is My Heart

I haven't really taken the time to talk about my interests on this blog as of yet. 

And so, I thought today I'd change that!!!!!

Lately I've been getting into a band called Stars. They are a Canadian Indie Pop Band whose lyrics tend to focus on relationships, life, and love. So, that description made them sound completely normal...sigh. Okay, so the songs they play don't cover the same subject matter as most love songs on the radio (I love x person but he/she does not love me; I cheated on x and he/she dumped me and I want he/she back; let's break up, etc.). Their lyrics are actually riddled with real situations that real people encounter. That isn't to say that the topics in the aforementioned songs on the radio are not things that happen to real people...plenty of people experience unrequited love (oh, don't get me started on that!), betrayal and pain. But we've heard songs about that how many times? I will venture to guess like a billion. And it's nothing new at this point. 

Amy and Torquil performing with Stars at Lollapalooza, 2010. Such a wonderful concert :)

The first album I owned by Stars is Set Yourself on Fire, from 2004. It contains some of the most touching, sad, honest and realistic lyrics I've ever heard, which seem to follow a theme of a man and woman getting over an ended relationship. For example, in the first track, "Your Ex-Lover is Dead," Torquil Campbell and Amy Millan sing a duet, telling a tale of two ex-lovers who met again, years later, as strangers. The story is that the two had a relationship, which ended for some unknown reason, and now, years later, the woman is happy with the way things turned out. You never hear this kind of emotion in a love song, and it's amazingly touching. Here are some lyrics...

(Amy)

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

And now you're outside me, you see all the beauty

Repent all your sin

(Both)

It's Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news

From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back 

Live through this and you won't look back

Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

And here is where you can listen to it. Please do!

"Ageless Beauty" is another song that stands out on the album. This one, though, for its amazingly catchy chorus. This one employs imagery of a lighthouse to convey a message about love and time (the exact meaning is unbeknownst to me). Another of my favorites from the album has to be "the Big Fight," where Amy confronts Torquil (in song, hopefully not in reality, that would be messy and sad) about his apparent cheating on her, while he attempts to convince her that he still loves her. The two singers alternate singing individual lines of lyrics, making it feel as though they are having the confrontation in this very moment. Here are some of the lyrics...

(Amy)

How could you do it?

(Torquil)

I couldn't say.

(Amy)

Years built on sand...

(Torquil)

June until may

(Amy)

Second to second

(Both)

Lied even while you held my hand

(Amy)

Its death for the living

(Torquil)

Yes I am a ghost

(Amy)

The mirror is cloudy

(Torquil)

I loved you the most

(Amy)

You threw out the pieces

(Both)

Did things we didn't understand

He doesn't want her but he just won't let her go

She started breaking but she still won't let it show

And again, you can listen to this one here!!

Torquil being amazing.

"One More Night" is another touching song...this one about the sex that the man and woman have after they break up. It's pretty obvious in the lyrics this time, but they surprisingly aren't crude, as so many lyrics are nowadays. Again, they are so very honest and so, so well delivered in the song...some lyrics below.

One more night, that was a good one

One more night, I dreamed it was good one (one more)

One more night, that was a good one

One more night, the end should be a good one

A good one

He starts with her back, because thats what he sees

When she's breaking his heart, she still fucks like a tease

Release to the sky, look him straight in the eye

And tell him, right now, that you wish he would die

You'll never touch him again, so get what you can

Leaving him empty, just because he's a man

So good when it ends, they'll never be friends

One more night, thats all they can spend in...

Please listen to it now!! Here you go. 

I've never had a relationship end with cheating, but lyrics from all of these songs, and more, definitely express feelings that I have had in the past and been unable to explain. Since I first acquired Set Yourself on Fire, I have made a point of finding all of their other albums as well, and I have just started making my way through Heart, In Our Bedroom After the War, and Nightsongs.  I can't wait to hear more :)

I hope that you listen to some of these songs. I also hope you come to realize just how amazingly beautiful and emotionally charged music Stars has been able to make for us.

Hey, listen!

...also...I feel so ashamed for quoting Navi just there. I apologize . That was uncalled for.

Food for Thought?

One of my friends recently introduced me to a concept called the "guilt-free-three." It's a silly thing, but after hearing about it, I got to thinking...who would I choose?


Here's a quick synopsis of what "guilt-free-three" entails: If you have a significant other, you and your significant other should be able to have a relationship with any 3 people of your choosing, should the opportunity arise, without any guilt. Hence, the name.


For mine, I like to limit myself to people that I will probably never have the chance to see or meet in my lifetime (so it's not weird with the boyfriend, lol), but whom I come into pseudo-contact fairly frequently. So, movie stars, musicians, etc. would be perfect applicants.


Whilst writing this, I came to the realization that it would be weird for me to actually say who is on my "guilt-free-three" on the vast interwebs, so I'll leave you with this...give it some thought...who would you choose?

the Future

Since this fall, I have come to love Harry Potter in a way that I never anticipated. Since applying to graduate school, I have begun to find a personal connection with some of the words of wisdom which Dumbledore shares with students. 

The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.  ~Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Before I begin, I feel there is some information that you need to better understand the situation. I am an undergraduate in Communication Science and Disorders, which basically means that I'm studying to become a Speech Language Pathologist. For those of you who haven't experienced an SLP before, watch The King's Speech. Though the techniques used in that movie aren't exactly the same as ones professionals use today, the movie will give you the general idea of how SLP's attempt to help others by improving their use of spoken communication. Speech Language Pathology is an awesome career, and it's the one that I hope to have someday. However, whether that actually comes to be depends upon whether I make it into graduate school, as SLPs are required a Masters' level education for their license. 

Applying for graduate school is very tedious and stressful, especially when you attempt to get all of your applications done WHILST having a full courseload. And, sadly, the proportion of students who apply for graduate schools and those who end up attending graduate school is just plain intimidating. For instance, last year at Bowling Green State University, where I attend, there were over 300 applicants for the graduate program, and the number of seats available is closer to 30. Let's just say that last year, I knew that quite a few (perhaps around half, if not more) of the girls in our major (our profession is 90% female, so I do not mean to sound prejudiced or anything) did not get in to any of their schools. As such, the advisors at my school suggested that most students apply to at least 5 schools, just to be safe. And the professors are frustrated with how stressed we are about getting into graduate school...just so you know, most of the CDIS professors that I have had during my undergraduate education at BG would not have made it into graduate school either, had the standards been so high when they were applying. Talk about intimidating...also, how unfair is that! I've never wished harder that I had been a flower child or something.

This is a photo I took on one of my most stressful days...I tried to really communicate how nothing in my life is certain anymore. And yes, those are D&D dice. Don't judge me!

It started as soon as I got back from summer break. I met with the other officers of the National Student Speech Language and Hearing Association (NSSLHA), and we discussed which speaker we would have for our first meeting. Traditionally, NSSLHA contacts first year graduate students at our university and asks them to come and share their words of wisdom about the application process for graduate school. Usually, the meeting turns out to be a stressfest, when most of the seniors begin taking ridiculously copious notes, and the first-year graduate students unload their frustration about the application process and how stressful life is in graduate school. Grads rant and rave about how they never have time for themselves, as being a successful graduate student is like having a 60 hour job. 

Thank you, Knives Chau, for having the exact expression I was looking for.

Basically, it's not the type of informational meeting you typically want to have. This year, however, a second year graduate student also joined the panel, and she had some of the most encouraging stories I've ever heard when it comes to applying to and experiencing graduate level education. She gave me hope...hope that I could get in and that everything will eventually not suck as hard as the first years seem to tell us. 

After that, all of the seniors started applying to schools in a panic. I was one of them. I applied to only three schools: the Ohio State University, Bowling Green State University, and Ohio University. Though this goes against what I said before (about being smart and applying to more schools than you can count without taking your socks off), I honestly feel like a different student than my peers. I am the only Honors student in my year, I have worked my ass off to keep a 4.0 GPA throughout my entire college career (both inside and outside my major), I am participating in research, am the NSSLHA treasurer this year, and I have made great relationships with many faculty members. I really don't mean to sound like I'm blowing my own horn, but these facts are what keep me from crying myself to sleep each night with worry. Plus, applying to just three schools was stressful enough...I don't know how the other girls do it. My main reason for applying to the schools that I chose is that I want to stay in Ohio, as ridiculous as that sounds. I've lived here my whole life, and though I do realize that so many other states have better economies and climates, right now all of the people I love, trust and can count on are here. Why would I walk away from that? 

I mean...how could I  leave this thing behind? 

Applying to graduate school basically has 6 parts per school (or stupid internet program used for the distribution of applications...I won't name names here, but I have a feeling that many girls in my major know exactly what I'm talking about). There's the application to the graduate program as a whole, which usually takes about half an hour to complete. Then, there's the application to the specific program, which takes considerably longer. Next, you need 2-3 academic letters of recommendation. Also, you need to send your transcripts to the graduate program you desire. Plus, you need to take a standardized test (in my case, the GRE), saying that you even have enough brains to handle graduate school (which I have a huge beef with). Finally, you have your personal letter of intent, in which you describe in detail why a) you are perfect for the university and b) why the university is perfect for you, etc. Oh, and all of this has to be received by your schools by sometime between December and February, depending. OH, and don't forget about your actual education on top of that. You are expected to be a successful full-time (in my case) student on top of all of this. Basically, for your fall semester of your senior year, you stress the fuck out and have no life.

And I'm pretty sure my eyes are permanently crossed now.
Not really.

I finished applying by Christmas (finding out that my apps had been sent on time was the best present EVER), and I won't know anything until mid March. I was just informed by one of my professors that our graduate application panel has not even begun to look at the masters level applications yet. What wonderful news...


So...and then you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait.........and then you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait!


Okay, enough of that. This is what I get for hanging around boys and tomboys nonstop. Anyway, maybe now you understand why I have been less than my happiest this year. Hopefully things will start looking up...my birthday's in 16 days, and then hopefully I'll be able to turn in my honors project, and then I'll be home free...


Here's to surviving until then!




It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.  ~Albus Dumbledore,  Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets