There's something you need to understand before I continue...in times of stress, I get very emotional. My emotions go crazy. Also, every emotion I express seems to have some kind of neurological connection to my tear ducts. So, I cry when I am mad, sad, frustrated, and so forth. It's frustrating, which only makes me cry more, when I reach that breaking point. I don't reach breaking points very often, just every few months (though they have been increasing in frequency since this school year began).
Lately I've been realizing that I have little to no control over my life. A lot of things have been springing up and causing me to stress out. Today someone asked me how I was doing, and I said, "hanging in there." Then, minutes later, I realized how depressing that is.
Hanging in there...onto your own life? This thing that is yours, and that you control for the most part, can be altered so much by unforeseen factors that you end up "hanging on" to your own existence as you know it? Does anyone else find this horribly depressing?
Only one person in my major has consistently asked me how I have been doing recently, because she knows I haven't been doing well. I can never bring myself to tell her that there are things in my life that I just hate right now, and that I wish I could just end those parts...but that's impossible. It still is really touching that she keeps asking...and I guess it shows how transparent I am. Remember that thing above, where I said that my emotions go crazy? It turns out that I am also very bad at hiding these emotions. And, most unfortunate of all, I tend to displace my negativity upon others whom I care about...
Which brings me to my first apology of the day.
There's something else you should know about me. For some reason, perhaps having to do with my upbringing (though there is no one incriminating incident, I only say this because so many aspects of our personalities have origins in childhood), I have a compulsive need to apologize constantly. It doesn't matter if I'm actually at fault for what happened, or if what happened could have been controlled at all. Generally, I mean it when I apologize, but I think most of my apologies stem from my deep desire to avoid displeasing others more than my actual feelings about the event.
So, taking that into consideration, I really do want to apologize for a few things.
Firstly, I'm sorry that I tend to take out my frustration, anger, and feelings of helplessness on the people that care about me the most. It's not fair to them, and as much as I think it's going to make me feel better at the time, it never does.
I'm sorry that I lie when you ask me how I am doing, and I tell you I'm fine.
I'm sorry I don't remember things better. I swear my brain doesn't work...I have word retrieval problems constantly, and can't remember some of the most inane things sometimes. I find myself seeking forgiveness from others and myself for this every day. I think I'm borken.
Okay...I think that's enough sadness for now. I think I'll play some Banjo-Kazooie!!
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